So you remember the ice bucket challenge, right? It was supposed to be a fundraiser thing for ALS or something; instead it became an excuse to dump ice on yourself and film it for Facebook.
Anyways; I never understood what was “challenging@ about dumping ice over your head. I mean, if anything it’s just a refreshing way to cool off. I had a much better idea.
I stood dumping perfectly good ice everywhere you just fill the bucket, add a little water, and see how long you can hold your hand in it.
Now THATS a challenge. I’m gonna assume you’ve probably never had a reason to purposefully freeze your fingers, but have you ever stuck your hand in a snowbank sans gloves? Or had to stand out in windy, frigid weather with some bit of skin left exposed?
It fucking hurts, but not like anything you’ve felt before.
At first it’s a shock, then you start to feel the stabbing of the cold as your nerves freak out telling your brain “DANGER!”. It might start to ache and throb as the tissues get damaged, the cells literally freezing and expanding.
At a certain point the pain changes, it’s gotten so intense, too intense. With so many neurons sending so many signals of different pains the brain short circuits.
It turns off the pain. Your appendage, now slowly dying in the cold, feels like nothing.
Nothing. Not better, not ok, but void. A vacuum in the place where something was.
That’s where I’ve been for a while now, but instead of my body it’s my brain. My heart & soul, the place where I’d feel sick over the loss or giddy about <insert things I have enjoyed>.
It’s worse somehow, like emotional constipation so bad it’s all just impacted feelings stuck somewhere deep down; and it ain’t budging.
So yeah. That’s grief some days, at least for me.
Leave me a comment if you’ve ever felt something like this, and how it’s gone for you.