Delusions & other D-Words

Greetings & thanks for coming. Tonight we’re going to talk about something a bit different, something I’m loathe to discuss and generally avoid thinking about.

Today my dears we will discuss issues of obesity & the mental gymnastics I’ve performed around the subject.

See, what you don’t know (unless you do, which means I know you, so HEY FRIEND!) is I’m fat. Always have been, though photographs show a typically sized child till around age 5 or so I don’t remember her. I remember wearing “husky” branded clothes until eventually I gave up on the “girls” section and only wore “boy” clothes. Boys shorts were longer, had more pockets, and best of all didn’t come in mysterious sizes labeled L, XL, or even 1X.

(Seriously, clothing manufacturers of America, fucking stop it and pick a damn sizing system).

Let’s skip the painful days of puberty and come back to today. Today marks a full week where I haven’t eaten sugar or carbs (at least not intentionally). I feel better, for the moment, but I’m plagued with the fear that I have to explain this new culinary exclusion to anyone.

Here’s the thing: I know I’m fat. I’ve been in better shape than I am today, but I’m still always somewhere on the spectrum of obesity. However, if I dress the right way and step lightly somehow You Won’t Notice. I can keep this delusional secret forever as long as I keep follow the rules

  • Don’t wear anything that clings to you, especially not around your hopes or midsection (THEYLL SEE YOUR TUMMY!)
  • Keep active. If you’re biking or hiking or skating they’ll never see how large your ass actually is.
  • Talk about being active, again how could they see your girth if they’re hearing your accomplishments?
  • Last but not least Never Say The D Word.Keep your diet a secret. Dieting is for fat people and a dead giveaway that you’re one of them.

Additionally I think diet culture has some very toxic traits & corners, and I’m aware that I didn’t get fat by having a super healthy relationship with food. However, I also know that I am capable of being much healthier, stronger, and feeling overall better in my skin. (Thanks roller derby!)

I’ve spent the past year+ allowing my muscles to atrophy. Giving in to indulgence with the excuse of mourning and the general indifference that comes when you’ve already lost so much.

I refuse to remain apathetic. I decided on a whim last week to see if I could stop the sugar and I did. I went a whole day.

Then two.

Before I knew it 7 days had gone by and I survived. So I’m committed to keeping this up until I stop worrying I’ll end up like the girl in “holding up the universe” (an awful book, but it scared me enough to get started so..Google it for the synopsis).

So yeah, I’m gonna have to say the D-word a lot. “Yes Fellow human, I am following a DIET and can’t eat that ice cream. No, no cake either. Yes I’m sure. No, I don’t want ‘just a bite’. Kindly fuck off now and let me enjoy my tomato & mozzarella salad.”