Death season is upon me, while I suppose it’s technically season 2 I didn’t know season 1 was coming so…
Here we are. One year ago I was reeling from my moms unexpected suicide while trying desperately to cling to hope that my dad would survive.
It was a shitty time to say the least. However I can’t say this moment is much better; over the past year I’ve had family disown me & lost a job. Granted that job generally made me miserable, I miss my students.
I miss having an obligation, where someone would notice if I’m not around. where I was held account for my time.
Truthfully I’ve spent most of the past year in Disbelief (dissociation?) that they’re truly gone. I go from numb to paralyzed and back again daily. Some days the realness of it all is so intense I get sick, retching from anxiety like when I was a kid and had to sleep away from home.
August 29th will mark the end of this first (or second?) Death Season, between now & then let’s try to memento mori. Live this life remembering death will come to us all.
3 thoughts on “Death Season, or another excuse about why I’m not writing more”
You’ve certainly had a lot to cope with and an unexpected suicide on top of an expected death must have left you reeling. If you lost the job that made you miserable on top of this you must have had the crappiest employers ever. Now perhaps you have enough “memento mori” to let you know death comes to us all. Maybe now is the time for remembering that Life Goes On, specifically your life and finding yourself a new job that occupies your time but brings you pleasure. Whatever you do, I wish you luck with it.
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It’s interesting, I’ve been familiar with the phrase “memento mori” for years but it wasn’t until all this happened that I truly understood it.
It’s not so much a warning as a call to action, time passes faster than we think and before we know it we’ll run out.
You’re right that life goes on, I’m still working on doing the living while making space for the grief.
Grief often alters us, leaving us unrecognizable to our own eyes. I wish you well. And hope that better times are around the corner. May faith and courage be your companions.