Why are we crying now?

Well 2 hours ago I was sobbing intensely about my mom leaving me while my dad slowly died over the following weeks. Then I took a hot shower followed by an ice bath, which I highly, highly recommend.

After getting out of the tub I got my pajamas on and did some stuff to unwind for bed. As I’m getting all snuggled in I texted my cousin, she invited me to the zoo with her and her sons last night.

So here we are, 9 pm the night before, and she tells me they’re sold out. Now I’m going to be home alone, again, all day.

So why am I 33 years old crying about a canceled zoo trip? Because I’m fucking devastated. Here was an unexpected day where I could be around family, see my baby cousins, and maybe for a few hours not remember that I’m unemployed. That my parents are dead. That my life is not ok.

That *I* am not okay.

This is where that resilience bit comes in, cause I know that I *will* be okay. Eventually. Probably. In a future I can’t imagine quite yet.

But someday, hopefully, this’ll just be a sad memory of a time I overreacted.

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